Kill Your Status Quo

Proof of Global Warming

 

Maharishi Phucknuckel's Guide to Zen
Eastern wisdom points West
 
(from BoreMe)

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f---off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

Leather Pants
from BoreMe:

 

The Angry Young Man

by Billy Joel, 1975

There's a place in the world for the angry young man

With his working class ties and his radical plans

He refuses to bend he refuses to crawl

And he's always at home with his back to the wall

And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost

And struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross

And likes to be known as the angry young man

 

Give a moment or two to the angry young man

With his foot in his mouth and his heart in his hand

He's been stabbed in the back he's been misunderstood

It's a comfort to know his intentions are good

And he sits in his room with a lock on the door

With his maps and his medals laid out on the floor

And he likes to be known as the angry young man

 

I believe I've passed the age of consciousness and righteous rage

I found that just surviving was a noble fight

I once believed in causes too

I had my pointless point of view

 

And life went on no matter who was wrong or right

And there's always a place for the angry young man

With his fist in the air and his head in the sand

And he's never been able to learn from mistakes

So he can't understand why his heart always breaks

And his honor is pure and his courage is well

And he's fair and he's true and he's boring as hell

And he'll go to the grave as an angry old man

 

Yes there's always a place for the angry young man

With his working class ties and his radical plans

He refuses to bend he refuses to crawl

And he's always at home with his back to the wall

And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost

And struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross

And likes to be known as the angry young man

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road ? [TOP]

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergise with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals in delivering and successfully architecting and implementing and enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed " the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JNR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chickens, "Thou shalt cross the road". And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crosses the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, what the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file you important documents, and balance your cheque book.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross the roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road....it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

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Men & Women Compared [TOP]

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn/Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. This is the origin of the concept known as "mission impossible."
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed. Hence men are ready to face the world in 15-20 minutes.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. On average it takes between 2 and 2.5 hours before they are ready to be seen in public.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of noisy short people living in the house.

ARGUMENTS (ROUND II)
On average, Men say approximately 250-300 words a day. Therefore, they can only argue intelligently for 15 minutes max. After that they lapse into incoherent mumbling. Thus, men never win arguments with women .. unless, of course, the woman is a blonde and loses her glimmer of a thought.
On average women say approximately 6,500 words a day. Therefore, they easily win arguments with men by constantly changing the subject until they find a point on which they can win. In extreme cases women still win the argument by relying on their 22 to 1 advantage in word volume.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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Euro-English [TOP]

The European commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her majesty?s government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less kharakter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterrent to akurate speling. Also, al wi agre that the horible mes of silent "e" and "g" in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

During the 4th yar, peopl wil becom more reseptiv to steps such as replasin "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". Durin ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.

After zis fifz yar, vi vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. To mak it ezir to red, al nowns wil bekum Kapitalizd. Zer vil be no mor Trubls or Difikultis and Evriun vil find It ezi to understand ech Ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

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Desert Islands [TOP]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people get stranded:
* two Italian men and one Italian woman,
* two French men and one French woman,
* two German men and one German woman,
* two Greek men and one Greek woman,
* two English men and one English woman,
* two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman,
* two Japanese men and one Japanese woman,
* two Chinese men and one Chinese woman,
* two American men and one American woman,
* two Irish men and one Irish woman.

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquorstore/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun

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Cows And Politics [TOP]

feudalism: you have two cows. your lord takes some of the milk.

pure socialism: you have two cows. the government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. you have to take care of all the cows. the government gives you as much milk as you need.

bureaucratic socialism: you have two cows. the government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. they are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. you have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. the government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

pure communism: you have two cows. your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

russian communism: you have two cows. you have to take cane of them, but the government takes all the milk.

fascism: you have two cows. the government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

militarianism: you have two cows. the government takes both and drafts you.

dictatorship: you have two cows. the government takes both and shoots you.

totalitarianism: you have two cows. the government takes them and denies they ever existed. milk is banned.

pure democracy: you have two cows. your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

representative democracy: you have two cows. your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

american democracy: the government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. after the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. the press dubs the affair “cowgate”.

british democracy: you have two cows. you feed them sheep brains and they go mad. the government doesn’t do anything.

singaporean democracy: you have two cows. the government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

capitalism: you have two cows. you sell one and buy a bull.

hong kong capitalism: you have two cows. you sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with tax deduction for keeping five cows. the milk rights of six cows are transferred via a panamanian intermediary to a cayman islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company.

bureaucracy: you have two cows. at first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. then it pays you not to milk them. after that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

anarchy: you have two cows. either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

environmentalism: you have two cows. the government bans you from milking or killing them.

feminism: you have two cows. you fascist bastard, they are not your cows to own.

lesbianism: you have two cows. they get married and adopt a veal calf.

catholicism: you have two cows. they each have six cows. they each have twelve cows.

buddhism: you have two cows within. each of those cows has hidden and opposite meaning and only through inner searching can true dairy knowledge be obtained.

escapism: you have two chickens. you hire two cows on a regular basis.

political correctness: you are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo - centric, war - mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

vanity: you have two cows. they are much prettier than anyone else’s cows and their milk is so less passé.

voodoo culture: you have two straw cow dolls. upon squeezing their udders the women of the village give birth.

counter culture: wow, dude, there’s like.., these two cows, man. you got to have some of this milk.

generation x: you have two retro cows. they sleep during the day and will only milk in cafe ambience or at a prodigy release party.

the x files: just because you haven’t seen your two cows it doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. how much more proof do you need?

dr seuss: two cows? two cows? i think you’re right! i’ll milk those cows, those cows tonight!

surrealism: you have two giraffes. the government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Cows And Business (Added 2/5/02)

an american corporation: you have two cows. you sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. you are surprised when the cow drops dead.

a french corporation: you have two cows. you go on strike because you want three cows.

a japanese corporation: you have two cows. you redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. you then create clever cow cartoon images called cowkimon and market them world-wide.

a german corporation: you have two cows. you reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

a british corporation: you have two cows. both are mad.

an italian corporation: you have two cows, but you don't know where they are. you break for lunch.

a russian corporation: you have two cows. you count them and learn you have five cows. you count them again and learn you have 42 cows. you count them again and learn you have 12 cows. you stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

a swiss corporation: you have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. you charge others for storing them.

an indian corporation: you have two cows. you worship them.

a chinese corporation: you have two cows. you have 300 people milking them. you claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

an israeli corporation: so, there are these two jewish cows, right? they open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. they send their calves to harvard to become doctors. so, who needs people?

an arkansas corporation: you have two cows. that one on the left is kinda cute

Cows Again (Added 16/4/05)

LIBERAL You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

CONSERVATIVE You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, CANADIAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. 

ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

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Darwin Awards 98 [TOP]

the candidates have finally been released. for those not familiar with the darwin award - it’s an annual honour given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. as always, competition this year has been keen again. some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

in september in detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys

in october, a 49-year-old san francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran,” according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

buxton, nc: a man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. beach goers said dammel jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet oh sand. people on the beach. on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to jones, a resident of woodbrdge, va, but could not reach him. it took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people hooked on. jones was pronounced dead at a hospital

in february, santiago alvarado, 24, was killed in lommpoc, ca, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop lie was burglarizing. death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

according to police in dahilonega, ga, rotc cadet nick hennenma, 20,was stabbed to death in january by fellow cadet jeffrey hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest hennenma was weaning.

sylvester bniddell, jr, 26, was killed in february in selbyville, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

in february, according to police in windsor, ont , dammel kolta, 27, and randy taylor, 33, died in a head—on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

ineligible for the darwin awards because they did not kill themselves. however, they have proven that despite the enormity of human progress, not all humans share in the common sense department.

in guthirie, okla, in october, jason ileck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal antonio martinez in the head, fracturing his skull

in elynia, ohio, in october, martyn eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house

paul stiller, 47, was hospitalized in andover township, nj, in september, and his wife bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. while driving around at 2 am, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed

taking “amateur night” too far:? in betuhia, colombia, an annual festival in november includes five days of amateur bullfighting. this year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one bobbittized. said one participant, “it’s just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons”

four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. sherry moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, tim vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, bryan corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and pamela klesick’s first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. “i’m still not sure why i did it,” she said later “i was really close to the car, so i didn’t think anyone would see. besides, it couldnt have been for more than two seconds”. however, cab driver vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the johnson medical building. inside, klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning corcoran’s teeth. the crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing corcoran’s guns with a cleaning pick. in shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from klesick’s hand. moeller’s wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

taos, nm - a woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. her english was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. a translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors’ suspicions. marie valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. after the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. she ran for the poison control center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects

from the “sure that’s how it happened” file: la grange, ga - attorney antommo mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. “my dog drags the thing all over the house,” he said later “i he must have dragged it into the shower i slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing” the extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to mr mendoza’s phone had opened during insertion “he was a real trooper during the entire episode,” said dr denmms crobe “tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. by the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there”

from the “that’s grossly stupid” file: tacoma, wa - kenny hinghiamm, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the tacoma narrows bridge in the middle of traffic. the conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no-one had brought bungee nope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. one end of the cable was secured around binghiam’s leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. his fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tone his foot off at the ankle. he miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. “all i can say,” said bingham, “is that god was watching out for me on that night. there’s just no other explanation for it”. binghiam’s foot was never located.

from the “there are some strange people in this world” file: bremerton, wa - christopher coulten and his wife, emily, were engaging in bondage games when christopher suggested spreading peanut butter oh his genitals and letting rudy, their irish setter, lick them clean. sadly, rudy lost control and began tearing at christopher’s penis and testicles. rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. the bottle broke, covering the dog and christopher with perfume. startled, rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. which trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. christopher’s penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler “chris is just plain lucky,” said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. “believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. the high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. also, aside from it being removed, the damage caused by the dog’s teeth to the penis per se is minimal. it’s really a very stringy piece of flesh. mr couhten stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his thumb because of the washington animal control has no plans to seize rudy

Links to Darwin Award Sites:
Official Darwin Site: http://www.darwinawards.com/
Informal/unconfirmed Darwins: http://www.tiac.net/users/cri/darwin.html

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